8-23-98

Dear Family and Friends

This past Tuesday, the 18th of August, was my 25th anniversary. As I am spending this summer alone, I decided it would be a good idea make the week into an end of summer vacation for myself. After all, the 25th of August is the beginning of that “one thing leads to another” phase and routine will once again take over all our lives. Summertime…and the living is easy…

Now, I did have the little matter of a speeding violation that required a trip down to the courthouse in Mojave. Some people just don’t appreciate the beauty of a fine tuned machine – what a bunch of spoilsports! A whole enormous desert – just the place to run a car through its paces – and mine? – nice and smooth, easy sailing – all the way over on the right hand side of my little ol’ speedometer. Not so smart to get caught, tho. Oh well. Live and learn. I have promised to be better behaved in future. But they wanted to see the scofflaw in the flesh at 8am Monday morning.

To that end I left home Sunday (the 16th) around five. By ten pm I was passing the Correctional Facility they have out there, thinking how much I prefer my Alameda address. But I was going nice and slow, as I felt it would be poor form to get a speeding ticket on the way to court for a speeding ticket, if you know what I mean. A few miles later I see this beautiful, brand-new Motel 6 right on the highway. So I check in and get settled in my room. Shortly before midnight I decide to turn in, and have just started to drift off to sleepyland when I am jolted awake by train whistles cutting thru the still and starry desert night. Though they are probably at least 500 yards from my room, they sound as if they are right outside the door. And that was how the night was – every half hour or so another train came by and blew its whistle. As you might imagine, I was up bright and early – actually by two I had given up on sleeping, trying to make believe it was five already, but the sun wouldn’t cooperate. Henry told me later that Mojave is actually a switching station. NOW he tells me.

But I was the first one waiting at court, pleading guilty, and asking for mercy (read: traffic school) – no dice. Criminals like me have to pay. Ouch! But it wasn’t actually as bad as I had thought it MIGHT be. My angels must be watching out for me again. Thank you, powers-that-be. I was out of there and on the road again, heading for good old LA, in no time. Amazing how built up those little desert towns have gotten in the years since I’ve driven by. Lancaster is HUGE and the home of an ENORMOUS outlet mall, so what else is new? I guess they are good, as they bring development dollars, jobs, commerce and traffic to these self-contained communities.

It was a pleasant day, filled with driving, shopping, museums that are all closed on Mondays, and finally, the descent of the exhaustion from the previous nights lack of sleep. Tuesday held more promise, and I managed to get in the Huntington Library and Museum before I picked up my big date for the day – my old friend Linda Mallah – at noon. We had lunch, visited Melco, and then headed down to Anaheim to catch up on old times and play at being kids. We got a great room at the Sheraton and as dusk descended Henry and Wendy showed up to play w/us and we headed over to Disneyland. I haven’t been there for ten years, but its been eons since I was there without children in tow. It was fun. Linda and I were geared up to be silly and act like kids – not a hard stretch to make, and did it rather well, if I do say so myself. We closed down the park and came back to the room where we talked some more – and Linda promised to come soaring with me in the morning.

Except for the fact that the 5 is undergoing serious renovations and it was impossible to find a way to get on heading north, which gave me about 40 minutes of feeling like I was stuck inside a paper bag, the drive out to Lake Elsinore was uneventful. The soaring club regulars were all there, and by one o’clock I had relinquished my hold on Mother Earth and was once again at the whim of the wind. It was beautiful and the thermals were better than last time – although rather narrow, so although we were climbing beautifully, we kept “falling off the edges” of the column with each turn. The pilot was a really nice fellow who kept talking the whole time, as he was worried that I would get scared or something. He explained that if I just said the word he would make larger circles to keep the turbulence down, but I thought that feeling the power of the wind like that was rather amazing, and got used to the feeling of falling off the edge. The only problem was how hot a day it was, and it kept getting hotter inside the glider. In order to provide more airflow, he began to make little nosedives, going in excess of 115 mph, then swooping up to regain, at least partly, the altitude. It did help cool off the plane somewhat, but it did not change into “cool”. So the hour was up and we came back in – I felt kind of weird from the heat already. On the way he demonstrated some of the more “acrobatic” moves the plane was capable of – even showing me how to begin a loop. Too bad I’m such a chicken, as he was ready to make a proper demonstration. But now I know what a stall and a wingover is, and how they both feel – kind of scary, but not too bad.

Linda had been entertaining the other regulars on the field, who were all quite interested in helping her buckle up in the plane. Fascinating how that works, I think. She thought so too. Oh my… GUYS…they never ever change… silly fellows. We got back into the valley and I spent Wednesday night in Calabasas – the Country Inn is really a very nice place. Thursday, after a nice lunch and chat w/my sweet cousin Julie (I usually spell it Jewelie, tho) I headed my chariot back to the north and returned home. What a nice vacation I had. Hard to imagine how much time has passed.

Life is such a mystery – it flies by while we are engrossed in so many activities that by the time we look up we are amazed to see the distance we have traveled. I looked at some photos – the time has sure flown by – I wasn’t much older than Daniel then. Thought maybe you’d enjoy seeing a couple of photos yourself – so have fun.

Love to you all

Susan

8-14-98

Dear Family and Friends

Well, here it is already the middle of August. I do have SOME news regarding my eye surgery, as to what kind (clear lens extraction – the cataract type) only not just yet a date. Actually, this is an easier option, as it allows me to have my eyes done at MY convenience (a three or four week interval between – rather than six months) and removes the obligations of tons of visits to LA over a two year period. Just the two days it takes to recover from surgery, and I will be better than new. So I am just waiting to confirm on a date. I was hoping to do it next Thursday, but as of this writing, the fact that I have not yet heard back from them makes me believe that it is not to be in August, as after next week my time will be spent laughing and cooking with my wonderful friends from New Orleans. We are having a smallish get-together for Sara’s Sweet 16 on the 29th – and you are welcome to join us if you are free. I meant to just do something minor, but….well….I have a hard time w/quantities – so the list of invitees grew and grew – and then the menu grew and grew – and then the entertainment did the same. So as it stands now, I expect a crowd of about 80 – for music, merrymaking and good eating. But there is ALWAYS room for you!!! I am sure the party will be a subject of one of my early September letters – but its so much better if you actually get to experience it yourself.

On another note, the plans and summer obligations are progressing well.Today Daniel had his wisdom teeth out. I didn’t think too much of it, as I had mine out when I was twenty or so, and really, except for the grogginess of the first day and all the swelling, it wasn’t such a big deal. But when we got to the oral surgeons office, he was running late and so we waited and waited. I realized that Daniel had begun to get nervous, and started to try and harrass me continually in the waiting room. I decided finally that my presence was somehow making him worse, at least I think so, and decided to let him wait alone, as it was probably only another ten minutes or so till they called him in, as we had already been there almost an hour. So I left and went to have some coffee across the street. By the time I returned he was already in surgery, so I listened to my book on tape and sat and waited. I actually had no angst over the procedure, as I did not feel it was any big deal at all.

Finally, he was out of surgery and in the recovery room and they told me I could go in to see him. I guess when I saw him, eyes closed, face all puffy like a prize fighter with swollen lips, lying there motionless – I must have jumped or something. Because the nurse immediately gave him a tap on the foot and said “open your eyes so your Mother can see you’re alive”. He did, and it made me feel better. But that first reaction, it was scary. That imperceptible remnant of the umbilical that links him to me still got a stiff tug. It was not at all what I expected, or have experienced to date. I thought about how the one who they cut the cord for is the BABY. The side that is attached to the mother is, I think, impenetrable by such earthly objects as scalpels or scissors. But as he moved and opened his eyes the moment passed, thank goodness for small favors.

However, genetics do spin out. As soon as he recovered enough to sit up (another ten minutes) he wanted OUT of there and LETS GO EAT! I let the doctor fight with him, I have been on his end of that argument too many times to step in myself. I ALWAYS want OUT!!! But they made him stay another half hour to make sure he wasn’t going to ??? who knows what those doctors want, anyway. By the time we returned home it was past one o’clock and the boy was out of his mind with hunger, although his entire face was still numb. I didn’t want him biting his tongue or something, so I suggested we start with some fruit.

I got out the food processor and made him a puree of canned peaches. Down the hatch. Then cottage cheese. Next a big tray of (gag me) pureed macaroni and cheese. Finally a big bowl of tomato soup. Was he full? No, not yet, but he decided it would hold him for a bit. Well, I guess it didn’t affect his appetite any. Made me laugh, the big silly. Anyway, its evening now and he seems to be just fine. I know that by tomorrow he will feel a little bit stiff and a little bit sore, but for the most part, its all behind him.

And maybe he won’t have the same phobic reactions I do to doctors and to hospitals. I just can never get away fast enough. Or I don’t bother to go in the first place….funny thing about that. When I was down in Los Angeles for my eye exam, Henry commented to me how much the eye doctor stuff didn’t bother me, and I told him how it was like – no big deal. Then I told him how even when I had my surgery, when I was six, I never even stayed overnight in the hospital. And just like that, I remembered how, at the time, they had wanted me to stay the night before in the hospital. With the surgery was scheduled for like, 7am, and pre-op probably taking at least an hour. But my mother had made this huge deal about it being scary FOR ME to stay in the hospital, so they would get me there whatever time they said.

I never realized why I so abhor hospitals. I walk in and feel like the walls are closing in around me. I figured it was because of all the time I spent in them while my mother was sick. But that makes no sense, if I really stop to think about it, as Daniel was born before that. And I found out just how deep my hospital thing is when I went in with him. I got to the hospital, and my labor stopped. With Sara too – and I waited till I was almost too late to get there with her. Hmmm… live and learn. I guess that Maybe it wasn’t My thing after all. Lots of stuff to realize and to sort through. Interesting, always interesting.

At any rate, the boy is just fine. The girl is just fine. And me too.

Love and kisses

Susan

8-2-98

Dear Family and Friends

The week has passed by too quickly, and the note I promised to write and send Thursday is still unwritten. I did mean to sit down and write, but things kept happening and the days just whipped by. I am sure you know how that goes.

The parts that I wanted to share were firstly, my experiences in LA and the visit there. The amazing thing to me was what kind of brilliant people inhabit the world and what wonders of science there are to help those in every profession accurately quickly and reliably divine the boundaries of both inner and outer space.

The first thing that they had me do was sit down and put my face in front of a concave white plastic thing with black concentric rings. They centered the “eye” of it over one of my own and took a computer scanned light flashed image of each eye. The result? In a minute or so an accurate map of the surface of my eye, showing the curvature – all scanned out on a piece of paper, color-coded like a geological survey map. All printed out in under five minutes. The “picture” that they take uses the black rings to reflect back on the surface of the eye and according to the distances between the rings, the computer figures out the whole thing. I think that is amazing. Henry and I are duly impressed, and we get detailed explanations of how everything works.

Then they need to figure out if my eye is “deep” enough to support the lens implant. They have an itty-bitty depth sounder type device that they put on anesthetized eyes and make measurements. It was so interesting – the sonar radar scope brings back these little oscillator- type images. From that they determined that my eyes were sufficiently deep to support the implantation of these little collagen based lenses.

After that they did some other more “regular” type tests. I am so used to having my eyes poked at and prodded that I don’t even blink hardly. Henry mentioned to me how odd it is that the eye doctor scene doesn’t bother me at all, while I patently avoid any other doctors. I guess that’s true – but I know that OD’s never hurt you, or bring in burly orderlies to hold you down while they cut you up. Although nowadays, it seems all the doctors have gotten so much gentler. The John Wayne world of my childhood has been replaced with EST trained docs who try for the no pain approach. I am always taken slightly aback when they are so concerned with my absolute comfort. What happened to the old “hold em down and stitch em up” attitudes? I don’t miss it, mind you….

Then they touched my eyes with a meter than measures the thickness of the cornea to a MICRON! Yet another techie wonder – I am amazed. And I already told you how the whole thing made me feel – like magic.

When I returned home, day followed day with a myriad of things to be done. Friday I had committed to spending the day in the CITY (San Francisco) with Sara and some friends of ours (mother and daughter) that we haven’t seen for way too long. It was a lovely afternoon, and great talks and super Dim Sum (yum yum) and great for the girls. There were tons of smiles and giggles and good talks for everyone. I am always sorry after things like this that I don’t make more time more often to do these things. Getting my butt in gear sometimes does it good. After lunch, we did some shopping, as we have more and more Sweet 16 parties coming up – seems like the whole world is just about to turn 16!

So last nite we went to one. It was another friend of Sara’s, from elementary, who moved away before high school. We see them, it seems, every year on the birthdays – and they only live a half hour away. Don’t ask me why. There is no logical explanation. Well, it was fun. It was a surprise party, and they had about 80 or so people, kids and adults, wonderful food, a DJ and a tarot card reader too. Everyone had a great time – including boys, including girls, including parents – we didn’t get out of there till after ten at night. And I heard the best piece of gossip….

Of course! I will share it with you!!!! One of the other adults at the party was a very animated, very funny lady – also very blonde, very cute – a real California girl type. Anyway, we began speaking as she attended Holy Names where Sara goes to school until she was asked to leave after the 10th grade and transferred into Skyline High School in Oakland. So she tells us about Tom Hanks – and what a dork he was – and still is, by the way, only now a dork w/money. They graduated together in the class of 74 – she used to work for his father. And here’s the gossip – when he won the Academy Award – he is the one who said “and I would like to thank my first drama teacher, Mr. (can no longer remember the name) who taught at Skyline HS in Oakland, and BY THE WAY, HE”S GAY!!! (Does this sound like the film IN & OUT????) I had heard it was based on a real story, but didn’t know the details. She said that everyone was flabbergasted at his announcement, and it read just like the later movie version. So now you know…..

Just a dork w/money (and talent, but – hey, who’s counting?) He sent a telegram to the class for his 20 year reunion, saying “why would I come? You all think I’m nothing but a dork anyway…”

And that is all the gossip that I am repeating –

Tomorrow it is Monday again, and we start fresh.

Love

Susan

7-29-98

Dear Family and Friends

Tonite I am back from Los Angeles, after a long and exciting day. The long and the short of it is this: By the end of August, one way or t’other, I will have one new bionic eye (but no zoom capabilities). I was checked and rechecked, depth tested by sonar and managed to meet the general protocol for the fda test enough to be submitted to the list to see if I make the list of the next sixty worst eyes in America. It seems I do. If that doesnt work, I can opt for clear lens extractions, basically cataract surgery without the benefit of a cataract. But the important thing is this:

They actually CAN do something to make me see. And I will be scheduling for surgery by next Monday for sometime in August, although I am not yet sure of the date. I only need to stay in LA two or three days, and come back as necessary. Recovery is quick, virtually painless, and the risks well worth taking. I have tried to not allow myself to get too far off the edge for fear it might not work out, but I have gone over now for sure.

I will write tomorrow about all that transpired, but wanted to share with you the rapture, for that is what I feel, I believe. As I was leaving the doctors office, I was filled with the words of ee cummings, a favorite poet of my youth, and these words filled me, so I share them with you – these words which begin to capture the ecstasy I feel.
————————-
e.e. cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any–lifted from the no
of all nothing–human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

———————-
love

Susan

7-26-98

Dear Family and Friends,

Another wild day in Alameda.

The day dawned early (they always do) and I got up and did my requisite early morning computer stuff. Between this that and the other it was noon and time to go to the ballet class that Sara is taking and I have been coerced into joining. So two eight-year-olds, three teenagers and I went through two hours or so of class. Actually, it was fun. I enjoyed it and somehow have managed to limber back up enough to make it through barre and center, although this class is rather slow yet, so there is no jumping as of yet (and that’s my favorite part).

Sara did her driving around town and we came back to shower and clean up, as I had promised my friend Kami I would accompany her to a party she had been invited to this evening. She promised it would be fun and interesting and the people would be friendly. That, and, by the way, she only knew the birthday girl, no one else. Being the pidgeon that I am, I agreed. After she told me there would be both a snake dancer and a male stripper at the party. Well, after I made the kids dinner and got everything straight, she showed up at my door and we left.

Now, Kami is a very interesting person, and always meets the most unusual types of people, and they are colorful and intelligent and do interesting things, as does she. But she has the most fascinating ways about her. For example, she tells me what street this woman lives on, so I drive over there, and when I turn onto the street, ask a fairly logical question – what number? Well, its Kami, so the answer is “I don’t’ know, I was only here once, and it was late at night, so lets roll down the windows and drive real slow”. I am already laughing, but what can I do? So after two passes she recognizes the place and we park and go to the back – where the signs say the party is.

Entering the garden is like going into another world. This woman has six green thumbs, and they have all been hard at work here. The space is transformed into a glen complete with koi filled pond and islands of color light and shadow. Two enormous angels trumpet trees are festooned with large and fragrant blossoms, and furniture is strewn everywhere. About fifty or so candles are glowing in every nook and cranny, and this world is inhabited with every age and type of person you might imagine. A couple of chubby toddlers are playing, while some older kids chase each other around with water pistols, and everyone sits and eats and talks, it was really nice.

Kami insists I go in to see the house, a Victorian from about 1880. Well, this woman, Juana, is a true eclectic, and her home is filled with a mix of every imaginable item that I am sure reflects its owner. The candle theme is carried through in the house, and the odor of candle wax was heavy in the air. It was rather fitting, being that the house was so old, made it seem real, somehow. The windows were covered with pieces of old lace and antiques and antique dolls were settled here and there around the house, next to sixteen Pee Wee Herman dolls and Chairy, and the potted plants which gathered around a three foot tall little green Yoda. Like that, it went on and on, room to room – antique dolls and china doll tea sets, ancient mirrors and fantasy art and magical crystals. All covered in a fine layer of dust. The table was set up in the dining room with food of all sorts and a bevy of cakes – she was a great hostess. And made sure to make everyone feel welcome and at home.

This woman does a host of different things, and knows quite a few interesting people. Some are real hangers on from the sixties. If you were wondering, for example, what happened to the hippies, I can tell you one thing – some of them go to parties in Alameda. I guess we missed the male stripper, but shortly after our arrival the snake dancer arrived. He was one of her friends, and I knew him by his snake patterned shirt. He was a small man, about 5’6″ or so, slender, with a neatly trimmed beard and was carrying baskets.

After a while we were called into the living room. I went to sit down next to Kami, but she told me I was about to sit on the snakes, so I moved, and QUICKLY, too. Everyone settled in, and the music on the stereo is changed to some Hindi type snake charmer music, also rather Thai dancer sounding, if that makes any sense. Well, here comes the snake charmer. He has covered his head with a long scarf, ala Blackbeard, and removed his clothing in favor of a leather g-string loincloth with a fringe over it, sort of like a golf loafer. It made me laugh. It sure is interesting to live in the Bay Area. Well, he comes into the living room and gets basket number one. After placing it in the middle of the room, he starts to undulate and gyrate all over the place making little Buddha fingers (yoga style) and writhing around like a snaky guy – I had to work to not laugh. Then he bent down over his basket and started removing the smallish pythons – about three feet each, and wrapping them around his head, waist and neck – dancing around with the music. One woman, on the sofa, is really getting off on the whole thing, and I am having fun watching her.

She is busy undulating with him, so he quickly hands her one of his snakes and she starts doing that new dance, the snake groove, or something. I am always best in a corner, where I can laugh without being noticed. This is getting more interesting all the time. So he moved on to basket number two – bigger basket, bigger snakes. Here we have two boas, six feet or more, so he puts these on, does his dance, and then hands them out, although these are better wrappers, as they keep their heads out, with their little tongues flickering as he dances around. And so on to basket Number Three, the prize winning basket. This is an enormous anaconda, maybe twelve feet long, which he has trouble extricating from the basket, holds out over his head (the thing must have weighed a ton, and continues to dance. It was really strange. I think I’ve actually never seen a stranger act. And pointless, too. What was it all about? The only one who really got it was the lady on the sofa, still busy undulating with her assigned snake. I remembered I have my camera in the car, so I ran out and got it to take some pictures, in order to send out a real record ot this ridiculous idea for earning money so I can send it out later. After he puts his snakes away, the woman who has been on the sofa gets up and leaves the room. In a few minutes she returns, in her belly dancing getup – whats next? Someone changes the tape again, and arabic music begins to play. Suffice it to say that I have seen better belly dancers. But everyone had fun, as she spun around the living room and dining room.

One of the guests even took his shirt off and began to dance with her, and we all understood exactly what he was thinking. He must have studied interpretive dance, I think. It was a riot. Finally, she danced with the snake man and they really got slithery. Hmmmmmm…. It was sure different. And then they all began to kiss and hug each other. A really beautiful woman at the party I was told was actually a stripper, but she managed to keep her clothes on, at least while we were there. I suggested we leave after the belly dancing, as it was still early enough to catch a movie. Kami agreed, and we said our thank-yous and left.

We managed to get into the 10:30 showing of Armageddon, a movie I’ve been meaning to see, but keep missing. I highly recommend it! It has everything a blockbuster no-brainer should have – in big helpings. Cool destruction scenes, peril-fraught scientific scenes, great space travel computer generated parts, romance, danger, heroism, action —- and even a few tears. We laughed a lot, enjoyed all the fun stuff, and even shed a few at the appropriate moments. Movies are such a great escape – just right into the screen and you’re all gone. Thank you Hollywood.

What a day! So I had to come home and sit right down to write, before I forget all the gory details. Hope you’re having half as much fun as i. Wednesday I travel to LA for the day to find out what and when will become of my eyes and my vision. I will report when I have more news. Cannot wait, cannot wait. Must wait, though…. I will try to be patient and not fuss. Its almost 4am now, so I guess I better go find some zzzzzz’s.

Love and kisses

Susan

7-11-98

Dear Family and Friends

Well, I think MAYBE something is finally happening. I actually have AN APPOINTMENT to see the eye doctor who will do my surgery. As of Tuesday, I am officially out of contact lenses and in glasses (oh damn – I look like Adam Ant or something) for the two weeks preceding my appointment. My eyes need to reform to their natural shape so that I can be tested for whatever it is they need to test for – eye size or something, I am not exactly clear yet on what they mean.

At any rate, July 29 is HAPPENING – I will be in LA and at the doctors and at that time will be given what I understand are two options – one which actually mimics cataract surgery (the lens is replaced with a man made lens) and the other one the current “experimental” procedure. I returned the call to the office over my cell phone, as I was impatient and not about to be home for several hours, so I cut the call short and got minimal information. But I DID get an appointment!!!

There is some measurement as to the depth of the eye that is required for the FDA study, although I am sure I will qualify in every category for poor vision. I will get more information next week, and am not sure when the eye surgery schedules in relationship to this visit, but I DON”T CARE. YIPPEEE!!!! Something finally happened. And the last I heard I was told to be patient, it might be until November till anything happens. Well, this is definitely a lot sooner than that. Not the March date I was originally promised, but far from Thanksgiving.

Every time I begin to think about the surgery and how it will impact my life, I am ignited anew by all the possibilities. Reading and night driving are two areas that have become more and more difficult in the past two years, both of which are very very favorite activities – because I like to be out at night and many times am returning home alone in the wee hours. It has become a real struggle to try and navigate the streets to find freeway entrances when I am unable to read street signs, especially on unfamiliar turf. And I have almost given up books, although I always loved to sit down in the late afternoon and read a good book straight through – finishing usually before the sun came up. I would love to be able to do that again – now even an hour or two will usually guarantee a head feeling like the mummy ’s curse. I still do it, but less and less often, as it simply isn’t worth the exhaustion it causes. As Mick Jagger once said so concisely – what a drag it is gettin old.

Anyway, so things are moving. And so I am ready, again, for whatever that means and whatever it brings. And its just a little more than two weeks away. J Happy happy day!

Love,

Susan

7-8-98

Dear Family and Friends

I just can’t stop writing. All these long evenings I am driven to sit and write different things, poems, stories, letters and these views of life that I seem to be caught up in lately. Thank you for all your comments and I hope that you enjoy sharing them as much as I enjoy the writing.

I am home now from my two-week escape from Alameda. Although I could easily imagine a kinder time of year to escape and find other weather. The moderate temperature here is better than anyplace else, suits my clothing and yet I chose to go sweat in the warm air of Southern California. Must have to make an appointment to have my head examined.

Okay, it’s on my to-do list. Check sanity levels. Probably I’m off the charts, oh well. I ended up my visit with a party in Port Hueneme – my good friends are moving to Turkey for a year or so, and that was very considerate of them. Its been a while since I’ve had a reliable base of operations in Europe – and have plans to centralize in Istanbul and fan out through southern Mediterranean – Tuscany, especially…sounds like fun to me, eh? Sara is ready to pack and will walk to the airport, if necessary. She really is my daughter, more and more. I don’t think the genetic testing will be necessary. I stayed over the one night and we went out to dinner. It was late and we ended up closing the restaurant ( one of my specialties – closing places) – so Sara entertained us with her comic routines and did cartwheels across the parking lot as we were leaving. She is filled with energy and laughter and all kinds of great thoughts that are only just beginning to come out. I think this next year will be a marvelous one for her.

But morning came and it was time to return home, to bills and laundry and everything that makes vacations so special and fun. Since we were already so far out on 101, I had decided to just continue on up the coast and take the scenic route, rather than the “quick and dirty” trip I always make up and down the 5. I can’t even remember the last time I drove that way, but it seems to me I recall a time when the 5 was closed due to snow, maybe ten years ago already. How quickly we forget.

The lesson that I recalled while in LA was “I am SO happy that I don’t live here anymore”. Sitting in traffic on the 405, the 5, the 101 – I remembered how the distance and the time are as unrelated as any two things could be, and that there is NO time when there is NO traffic. Love so many people in LA and miss so many things, but I couldn’t do it. Not for anything, better to visit occasionally, leave the commute to the terminally Angelino. Remembered how many things I couldn’t stand about LA and why I left.

But the drive up the coast? That was a different memory. That was the memory of why everyone wanted to come to California in the first place. I forgot how exquisitely beautiful and golden this state is. The day was bright and clear, and the rains that have plagued us so this year have made the countryside brilliant with color – russets, yellows, tans, chartreuse and sage – and a hundred shades in between. The sky and sea lend their blues and the mountains reflect the purple browns in a hundred shady spots – punctuated with haze and shimmering rows of eucalyptus. Actually, it made me forget about the time I was making and the speed I was traveling, as I was having such a wonderful time taking it all in.

I even relented at Pismo Beach, and stopped for Sara at the most prevalent natural wonder of all, the outlet mall. Where the consumer is convinced they are getting a deal, as the manufacturers make terrific markups on over-runs and dead stock. I even got out in under two hours, with only a $13.00 dent. Pretty smooth sailing, I’d say. As we moved up the coast, the palette changed, more tan and golden towards the middle, and then greener again as we reached the edges of Northern California. What a beautiful state this is, and how rare it is that we natives stop to appreciate it. Its really the reason for all the downsides to living here in the Golden State. So apt a description.

But I did arrive home. By 5pm on Monday, I was home and the car was unpacked, although I was tired from the long drive. By 1am, everything was unpacked, the car was cleaned and full of gas, the refrigerator was full of food and the mail half sorted. Now its Tuesday nite, and the bills have been paid, the laundry put away, Sara has begun a voice workshop, I’ve answered all my mail and we even had guests over for dinner. Back to the real world. It is what draws the contrasts and makes the other parts so special, if we only stop to take a look.

Please don’t forget to do so. And while you’re at it, the roses are a riot of color, my lavender is in full bloom and the garden smells delightful. Please feel free to come and visit if you get the chance.

Love,

Susan

7-2-98

Dear Family and friends

Yesterday I took action on something I have considered doing for a long long long time. I decided to go up in a glider and try soaring. I think I saw a program on gliders in the early 80’s, and it looked like such an awesome thing to do, it really intrigued me. But with this and that and little kids and no access to surfing the internet, I had no idea how one would go about it, and besides, I was afraid (don’t tell anyone, PUH-LEEZ, it would ruin my rep) (And they won’t hire me for the remake of Xena, either- DAMN!!!)

Anyway, I surfed and found a couple of places that offered rides in gliders and decided that it was now or never, and I should bite the bullet and give it a whirl. Well…YOU GOTTA TRY IT!!!!!

I went out to the airstrip, populated by the greatest bunch of characters you ever saw – they were just too too cute. Little Joe, 86, is about 5 feet 2 and maybe 90 pounds. He has sparkling eyes and ruddy cheeks and reminds me more of Granpa from the Real McCoys than anyone else I can think of. He and his buddies built their first glider in High School when he was 16 and he has been gliding ever since, and is still licensed for commercial flights. He wanted to help me get in touch with the person I needed to see, and spent about twenty minutes looking thru a phone book, which turned out to be a 93-94 book, and didn’t want to call directory assistance. Finally he found what he was looking for, and drew me a map the likes of which I’ve never seen before. For a twenty mile drive from Hemet to Lake Elsinore, there was a series of lines, arrows, crossed lines, and little squiggles. No street names. Just get, here, turn here, etc. I bit my tongue to not laugh, but it was the funnniest thing. I finally asked this other guy who was standing in the hangar watching him draw me the map to help me by telling me names of the streets. Thank god he knew some. I don’t mind chasing geese, but that was really a bit much. Anyway, he was so cute it made me smile all day long. He said if he had a tow pilot, he would have taken me up himself. I thought maybe I would pass on that, but anyway he was adorable.

When I got to Lake Elsinore (after only maybe two wrong turns of a block or two each….. not bad, eh?) I asked, as directed, for Dick Ensign. The fellow I spoke to, who was up on the wing of an airplane, said he had moved two years ago. I was like, huh?, no, I spoke w/his wife half an hour ago and he is supposed to be here….and he was, OH, Richard ENSIGN (not Johnson) – oh, he’s right over there, pointing across the grassy field to a nice looking grandfatherly man working w/a young boy on what will someday be a hangar. Unfortunately, Curly, the tow pilot (is this an old stooges movie, or what?) is unavailable, but he was so nice and we made a date for the following day at noon. And the price I got was like half of what I had seen advertised on the web. He promised me as close to an hour as he could for the tow fee of $45.00, and told me I had located THE CHEAPEST place to fly from in the whole area. Goodie goodie goodie!!!! After I left there, I visited a dairy that had the most delicious milk I have tasted in years and years. I bought some and drank it and bought some more and some ice to keep it fresh for later. Wish I had some more right now. YUM YUM YUM. Reminded me of the milk I used to get in the dairy when I lived on the kibbutz. Tastes like everything good and fresh mown hay and – mmmmmmmm just delicious. We miss so much by having everything preprocessed and prepackaged. All the “sabor” (spanish for flavor, essence, taste) is removed. Sometimes its good just to get back to the real essence of things to remember how they are supposed to be. Because they are all so wonderful and we so easily forget that, wrapped in the day to day of living. But thats what I was reminded of, watching the goats and chickens and calves and roosters and baby bunnies out in the hot parched dusty yard of the dairy, where they had enclosed the animals in a paddock to make a petting zoo and encourage visitors to their dairy. Hot and dusty animals did little to advertise the delicious goodness of their ice cold milk, but then again, it wasn’t my idea.

Anyway, I returned as scheduled the next day at noon. After being strapped in to this itty bitty space, feeling like I was going to take a ride on the Matterhorn, my pilot got in and we talked and waited for the tow plane. I told him I was NOT interested in any aerial highjinks, just smooth soaring and lazy circles – like a birdie – NOTHING FUNNY!!!! His son, a sweet boy of 15, came to get cash, credit card and more cash from Daddy. He complained and forked. He was kind enough to offer me this fine boy, but I told him I really liked them better LITTLE – about two feet tall, actually is my preference. He agreed, that he liked hiim then, too, but that since he hit 13 its been all downhill. I told him he would be happy after he hit 16, so he was encouraged to hang on just a little longer. So I lost my opportunity. Oh well.

Finally, he closed the canopy and the tow plane started moving and so did we. I was a little bit afraid, but figured I could always ask him to land if it got too weird. Well, after just a couple of minutes, hsaid we were flying, and it felt like nothing at all. And we kept climbing behind the tow plane, and the wind started to whistle thru the little window and the temperature inside dropped from VERY HOT to comfortable, and it was just amazing. When he dropped the line to the tow plane, it jerked a little bit, but soon it was just quiet and sort of whooshing. A hawk was circling above us so he followed it over to the ridge to catch the thermals with it. We circled and circled for a long time, going from one place to the other looking for some lift. When he found it, it was just like you were transported up on some kind of elevator that compressed your ribcage and took away your breath. WOW. What a rush!!!! We spent the better part of an hour just doing that. He let me fly for a bit, but I really didn’t care. I just wanted to be a passenger and let someone else worry about the why and hows of the whole thing. It also felt safer. The less I know, perhaps the better. Just sit back and experience it.

Finally, the two riders they were expecting showed up at the airstrip, so he decided to come back in. He did a speed ride down the ridge, which was soooooooooo cooooooooool, then decided to give me a few ups and downs for my money. He did the first roll so suddenly I grabbed on to the canopy to try and right the plane, so he calmed down a bit and did some gentler ones, right and left – and it was like a roller coaster only not so scary or jarring – just like floating, sort of. AMAZING. When we came in for the approach, I was wondering how it would be to land in this strange conraption – but it was smoother than the smoothest jet landing I’ve ever experienced – no bump at all, just rolling down and whoosh onto the ground. The only problem was trying to extricate myself from the half-reclining position that I had been in for over an hour, when my limbs no longer wanted to cooperate. But I managed to get out, as there were another four burly guys waiting as he popped open the canopy. Didn’t want to be dragged out like wet laundry, so I managed to get out without being too clumsy.

Richard came by to see how I liked it, as did the boys and everyone else there. My answer was YES! Althought they all told me how easy it was to get a license and fly, I do not feel particularly driven in that direction, although I definitely want to return (as a passenger). They told me that when the thermals get better, they get up 11 or 12,000 feet – and I GOTTA try it. You should too!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats all the news for today. Tweet tweet.

Love to all.

Susan

6-25-98

Dear Friends and Family

Well, I guess it must be time to write another story, as I am feeling a whole other side to this parenting business and want to share it with you. Today we left San Diego after Daniel spent the past two days in orientation signing up for his classes, meeting some of the other kids who will make up the Revelle class of 2002, exploring the campus and just generally getting “in the mood” for college.

First I’d like to give you a bit of background as to the way my thoughts on this whole process are spinning recently. Back in the fall, I was feeling rather blue about what was coming and all the unknowns that awaited us, and savoring what I felt at the time were the last sweet moments of childhood. At graduation I had passed that and moved on to feeling proud and happy. Well, now I feel even better. When I dropped him off Monday morning I looked at him and realized how ready he is to start his own life, and mostly felt jealous. Wished I was the one leaving for college. Hmmmmm…. Lucky kid. What a beautiful place UCSD is and what terrific weather (he said he wants to learn how to surf!). I know he will be happy here and grow and change over the next four years in ways unpredictable at this moment. What a marvelous time of life he is at. And I think, all in all, he is pretty wise for his years. I feel confident that the decisions he will make will turn out okay, maybe not perfect, but workable and doable and just absolutely fine.

And the kid I picked up the following afternoon had already met and was known by all the staff; had girls asking him for hugs goodbye; had charmed one of the faculty into fixing his schedule for him; and had made a number of promising acquaintances; as well as having a fairly good feel for the layout of the sprawling campus. Not too shabby for a day and a half.

And how, might you ask, has Sara reacted to all of this? Well, its been interesting, and I do not know for sure how much is her impending sixteenth birthday, how much is her fathers absence, and how much is her anxiety related to the changes that Daniel’s departure will bring to her life. Basically, she has become a moody and demanding girl who tries very hard to test the patience of all around her (read: her mother), by various methodologies known well to all who have ever had or been a teenaged girl.

In an attempt to keep my patience, I have tried to keep in mind all the things which are confusing her, including those wild hormones that are just about at flipout stage. However, more than once in the past weeks she has brought me to the point where I simply cannot bear one more moody second. At those moments I have tried to walk away and get some space so that I am not drawn any further into her little net. Mostly it works, although the close quarters and nonstop connection of travelling doesn’t help. The interesting part happened while Daniel was at orientation.

I decided to play with her to make her have fun and change her mood to hyper silly, which would be better. For a whole day I played with her, made her laugh, drove around, got lost, got more lost, got found, took pictures, and generally was totally silly. She came around and by evening was my sweet girl with a ready smile. Everything was fine till we picked up Daniel and started to walk around campus. Within ten minutes the grinch had returned. UGH! After all that, it became clear that the problem, or at least part of it, was certainly revolving around Daniel.

So I decided that the only thing left to do was try to put a different spin on their current relationship, which of late has been rather fatherly from Daniel, which Sara, with reason, resents. So we got silly instead. In the car I put on all the tapes which Daniel most dislikes (yuk from the 60’s and disco music), and the result was Sara singing in a high falsetto, Daniel singing in a bass lower than the very lowest “rolling on the river” in Proud Mary, and me keeping time by “car dancing” and “steering wheel drumming” punctuated by Saturday Night Fever finger pointing, while we drove through miles and miles of traffic up the 405. Finally, everybody burst out laughing, and I was reminded of how they used to be when they were little and we would go on car trips and we used to sing along to Raffi tapes. My very favorite was the out of tune out of sync variations on a theme for “down by the bay” – we would make up verse after verse of “did you ever see a blank, blanking the blank, down by the bay. We would take turns and they would go on for hours, daniel making up something new each time, and Sara saying the same thing with variations. For example, if Daniel said “horse”, Sara would say “horsies”. This would frustrate him no end, and he spent countless hours trying to explain to her that she needed her own concept. She would look at him, nod solemnly, and continue on with her copycatting. It was always too too funny.

At any rate, the traffic finally got to me so we stopped for gas and dinner. At the gas station in Costa Mesa, I tried to ask where a good place to eat was. The help there kept asking “Burger King?” “McDonalds?” so I decided I was barking up the wrong tree and just left in search of a restaurant. Ended up at Planet Hollyweird. The kids were pleased, as I have never taken them there (big deal). The two of them were already silly, and started in to make me laugh. The deal is they get me so I cannot stop laughing, and the tears start to fall and I am seized with uncontrollable shaking (but quiet) laughter. They find this humorous to do in public places. When they realize they have succeeded in starting it, Sara always makes somber comments – “uh oh, Daniel, now look what you have done! Now Mom is going to cry” and they start getting weirder. Usually by the time I am unable to breathe they let up on me a little. So I sit in the middle of the restaurant, shaking and they pretend they don’t know me, and make even stranger comments. Which is even funnier. I will miss these silly times, and will have to plan to come down to San Diego often to get in my fair share dosage of Vitamin L.

I have promised Daniel that I will embarrass him by getting very close to all his college friends and sharing aspects of his life that he would rather not have shared. I once embarrassed him so well that all I ever have to do is threaten to embarrass him, and he knows that in the race for knowing how to embarrass someone, I WIN. Little stinker. Ha ha.

Anyway, I think I am ready to have an adult. He is a fine young man and I like the person that he is. I will relinquish the little bit of control I still hold and let him off to fly. First act on that is to allow him the house to himself for a week. I will close my eyes and it will pass. I will remember to breathe SLOWLY, in and out, and hope for the best. It’s the only way.

I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to help mold these intricate and exquisite human beings. I love them more than I could ever express in words.

I guess this is the plus side of the accumulated birthdays.

Love and kisses to one and all

Susan

PS – Eye surgery date is still not set. Will advise.

6-11-98

Dear Family and Friends

I do not know if you can truly comprehend the amount of visual stimulation you miss by not living in the Bay Area. It really boggles the imagination to think that when you go to the grocery store you haven’t got half the characters that we have here to entertain and amuse in those idle hours in line at the checkout counter.

To counteract the probable boredom you feel from your unfortunate position, I have decided to kindly share with you the person I stood behind in line today while shopping at Lucky’s. I will try to draw for you a true and accurate portrait of one of the more entertaining fellow humans I have gazed upon in these many years.

The man is maybe mid-forties. Lean, well-built, with thick dark brown hair streaked with grey. It is pulled back loosely into a ponytail, which then expands over his shoulders and down his back in thick waves. I dont know if it was brushed this morning or last week, but theres sure lots of hair. His face is pale and shows the residue of a tough time with acne long ago. Sunglasses over his eyes cover his thoughts. He wears a black oxford shirt, covered by an old black leather jacket, the kind that used to be so popular in San Francisco’s Castro district in the wild and wooly 70’s. Laced up the sides, lots of zippers – looks like it was originally purchased then. From the epaulets he has hung, in quasi-military style, a string or two of mardi gras beads on each side – and they wrap under his arms. Sort of like Colonel Flaming Bacchus or something.

Now my gaze lowers and I see, protruding beneath the hem of his jacket, flaring out in all directions, is a plum colored lace skirt, lined in royal blue satin. The lace is rather tattered and worn, but the effect is simply smashing. He wears a pair of sheer black hose and “crunchy” black leather boots with laces that almost reach his knee. I can barely stand there putting my items on the belt as I rub my eyes and try to make sure I am not on some strange drug laced trip. His finger carries a tattooed ring, and he is courteous and refined as he speaks to the checker, who can only see his shirt and jacket.

She rings up his two cases of beer, gallon of wine and potato chips. As she swipes the tampons over the laser upc code reader, he offers “thats the only thing my wife and I don’t share, we share clothes and makeup, but not those”. She smiles and finishes up his order. As he begins to walk away she sees his lacey skirt and darling knees peeking out below. We look at each other and begin to laugh. I am so sorry you werent there to see it.

Hope you can get the picture from this description. Don’t you wish you could shop in Berkeley, too?

Love,

Susan