1995

I smart from words you don’t recall
you ever meant or said at all
Reply “a cat can’t change his stripes…
So if it’s tough, it must be ‘Life’”.

“That can’t be changed, or made not so”
A long, long road it is to hoe.
You keep your head down as you go
Don’t see the fields or flowers, so…

I say “perhaps…” and you reply
“No time now, just do or die…
‘a cat, to be skinned, must first be flat,
and then he’s prepped, and that is that’”.

“Don’t tire me with thoughts you waste,
for what I do, I do in haste.
No time have I for hugs or pats…
I need to study all the stats”.

“And I conclude that you’re at fault ,
I can’t reboot, press Control ALT.
You’ll simply have to learn to live
with this, the most that I can give”.

“I cannot change, it can’t be done,
My jaw is set, as has the sun
and I’m so scared to lose control
that I don’t have, I fear my soul

(that I believe does not exist)
Would leave my body if my fist
would uncurl to reveal what’s soft
I hold myself apart, aloft”

“So that no one could tell if I
am frightened, no I’d rather die
Than lose the myth I fashioned well
that guarantees a living hell ”

And so, in vain, I carry on
A duckling still, I am no swan
I play a game I can’t recall
the reason I began at all

And I throw darts whene’er I can
‘I will deny!’, that is the plan
so I can prove that she’s to blame
For all this mess, and what a shame

She really is just crazed, unread,
I scarcely can believe I wed
one so worthless, vicious grown
So unlike others I have know

And hasn’t done a single thing
but misery to life does bring
and I remind her when I can
(she is so rich, she bought a fan!)

So Thank-you’s I don’t need to say
forever-more and then a day
or ask forgiveness when I’m wrong,
it hasn’t happened for so long

I’ve made mistakes, that much is true
But not since nineteen sixty-two
I’m perfect now, as you can see
(What everyone would like to be)

A god, yes, every woman’s dream
Steady, thoughtful, just the cream
of everything that’s good and just
A real protector you can trust”.

“To stand beside you through the storm
And make you feel both safe and warm
‘For that’s the way it looks from here
You must be somewhere else, my dear’”.

12-12-90

I put away my silver when we wed
It wouldn’t suit, I knew
The Life I was to lead, and
Seeing it would doubtless leave a wish…
Unfulfilled

I knew those wishes and ways they grow
Multiply in dark corners
Better not to be reminded,
Better not to long for things…
Impossible

I thought I’d wait, and Time
would weave its changes
Imperceptibly but totally changing
the Nature of the Fabric, slowly…
NeverNever

I believed without seeing
I’d forget, and gave away
Souvenirs of a life
I’d forsaken, for want of another…
Unattainable

I realize now some things
cannot be denied, they remain
And so I polished my silver today
To see how it shines, and its
REFLECTIONS(are noted here)

6-89

When I was just a wee young thing
I wanted most of all to sing
And play sweet music all the day
But other things got in the way

Lovely words that had no weight
hard upon my nerves would grate
“If she will do it, it will be
A Masterpiece! – you watch, you’ll see!”

And if it was – the reasons clear
Credit those who brought her here
It made me rage, and yet my song
Brought them pleasure all day long

So I’d be dumb, I’d not succeed
Let them praise or let them bleed
Pack it up and lock the case
Cut off my nose to spite my face.

I’m left no value, feel no worth
Pity her who gave me birth
A disappointment from the first
Of all the choices, I’m the worst

And so I stand now, nervous, tense
To show myself that I’m not dense
That what I had I haven’t lost
Although it was as garbage, tossed.

I’ll prove it to my harshest critic
I am not crippled and arthritic
and THEN I will be SUCH a pain
You’ll want the OLD me back again.

5-89

I lied to you about the doors
That’s only some – there’s many more
And if that’s what you care to view
I’ll open one a crack for you.

The doors are silent, locked and barred
To open them is very hard
One must have courage, stand alone
With head held high, or turn to stone

I started on a journey long
Both well-equipped and big and strong
The other one was helpless, weak
I’d carry him and help him speak

With childish hands I wiped his brow
And crippled him, I see that now
I gave the things I need most
In doing so, became a ghost

Spoiled thus my greatest treasure
Keeping him from life’s sweet pleasure
For no one else could measure up
Or make him laugh, or fill his cup

And so I searched for silent, strong
To punish me, for I was wrong
Wasted what I cherished most
Who am I to brag or boast?

So I can give, but will not take
I do not want those things that break
Or can be lost – and I’m to blame
They cause me too much grief and shame

And so I mop for endless years
My darkened hall with unshed tears
Perhaps some water and some light
Would help me now to clean it right.

1-89

I speak the truth – my words don’t reach
Your ears they do not hear my speech
You look with eyes that cannot see
The phantoms deep inside of me

I cannot feel the warmth I felt
When once, in wooded glade we dwelt
I do not wish to leave behind
The magic there, to grasp what’s mine

The powers mine, I hold the keys
And I can do just as I please
What shall I do? The door unlock?
I hear the striking of the clock

The course is set, the sails unfurl
Around the mast my fingers curl
My sights set on an island where
We both can dwell, its fruits to share.

1989

This piper plays a different tune
He speaks of fragrant fields in June
Of buttercups and birches stark
And sunset skies that fade to dark.

Stand apart, alone, unwed
Unliving, but as yet undead
Plays a game of his creation
Serving, a model for inspiration

What words speak here? Self-Doubt, Self-Hate,
Self-Pity and the Hand of Fate
Compass-less, sailing uncharted streams
Rides on Hopes and Fears and Dreams

Walks with glitter, glides without noise
Master of Manner, Master of Poise
Where has he come fro? Where will he go?
Somebody cares, but Nobody knows.

Mortal men cannot surmise
the secrets hidden in my eyes
The things I feel, I can’t express
Some like me more, some like me less.