8-31-07

To dumpster dive you’d best prepare
For sights and sounds you weren’t aware
For smelly things with slimy trails
And burning hearts and holy grails

The rotten things they stink and fester
Leave huge tracks from the molestor
I’ve thought them through and made a space
For undisturbed, yet not erased

I do not think it wise to dump
It all on you, my forrest gump
No chocolate candies, visions rare
No shining knights, nor ladies fair

I’m proud of me, what I’ve become
The paths I’ve traveled, wars I’ve won
The way in which I’ve turned my fate
To something rare and something great

My opus magnus, you and she
Are all that really count, you see
My greatest wish when small and crying
To give dreams wings and send them flying

Not perfect, no but good enough
Although not easy, not too rough
Enough resilience, talent, spunk
To see the truth through all the junk

My job is done, the task complete
Time to sit back, time to eat
Enjoy the fruits – a lifetime’s toil
The richness from a fertile soil

To shoulder this is not your chore
Go and make your life much more
Imagine greatness – make it true
These the things I wish for you.

8-12-98

I don’t know why
You cannot hear
Or understand
The words I speak
I feel as though I climb
The tower of Babel
Ever higher ever higher
Till it makes me dizzy
And sick to look down
Its so far to fall I just keep
Climbing up and up and up
Its so high
I can’t go up
I can’t go down
What should I do?
Can I just sit down here
And never move
Lay my head on my knees
Give up
Forget about the view
Forget about everything
Forget it
So hard to move
Just lay my head down
Leave it all behind
There are those
Who would be pleased
To see my sorry face
It’s been so long
Take me in their arms
Hold me tight
Like so long ago
I remember it was nice
But still some things
Hold me here
Yet
Not yet
I have to wait
A little farther
A little more
Keep going
I’m so worn out it isn’t fair
I’d rather rest here
You all go on, don’t turn around
Or wait for me. Go on
The world awaits
Your turn is here
Now go
Move along
Don’t spend your time
Waiting for things
That will never happen

6-13-98

Always so ALONE
When times are rough
By myself, Protecting others
Screaming till my throat was raw
To scare attackers
Show my strength
Fearless, jabbing in the air
Eyes blazing
Till I’m spent
And then go on
A little more
Force myself to push
Harder
Show no fear
No one to trust
Must always keep
One eye open
You never know
I cant recall
The time
It wasn’t so
The fight was mine
The challenge clear
Be fierce and unafraid
I think I’ve met my potential
For ferocity
Even tigers sleep
Sometimes, they dream
Belly up, paws twitching
Smiles on their lips, No worries
And Oh! So very small
Hiding under laundry
To not be found
For hours
Never moving
Barely six
And I recall perfecting
The visage
The face that nothing tells
The mouth that nothing speaks
Only my eyes
Uncontrollable
And I recall the skills
I worked so to refine
This iron will
Control the terror
Never tremble
Do not flinch
Its worked
I have been strong
I’ve been a rock
For those whose needs
Were great
And shadowed mine
I laid to rest
So many whom
I loved
Who loved me back
The loss was then
So great
Its hard to feel
When I have tried
To squash
That human trait
But sometimes it gets me
Like a dog, in the throat.

6-14-98

Its five am and I am yanked awake
Like hard edged desire
sleeping with children
The kind that knows no release
ruled by frustration
That must calm ragged breathing to a whisper
And cannot scream
My entire being is stretched
Tight over the rim of a cavernous hole
And I might fall in
If my fingers lose their grip
Or my feet stumble
Tense, I am aware
Of everything
And my stomach rumbles
Twisting in pain
Refusing to be fed
On normal fare
Wants only honey
And I drip it in
To slide down my throat
And soothe the aches
I pour golden circles on crackers, apples
Which pool and cascade off the edges
Over my fingers
Down my chin
But mostly to the source
Of the pain it must soothe
So unstoppable
So in control
So unlike the way
I feel.

6-14-98

I told you
Check carefully
What seeds are mixed
When you cast them
Into the wind
Without a thought
Flowers, to bloom
Need water, light
Careful tending
Weeds thrive on neglect
Choke out the flowers
Overrun the garden
Till the roots
Shrivel
And Die
You’ve been a conservationist
All your life
A Pity for a Drop you said
Don’t waste
Water, words
They’re all the same
To me
In this parched wasteland
Overgrown with weeds
I love the garden
Planned mine
Checking light
To see what grows
In the sun or shade
Wanted flowers
In glorious profusion
Perfume of ecstasy
In the moonlight
You can not smell
Don’t waste water
You cheat, you said
I do not care
What the reason is
The cost too dear.

6-14-98

Poised on the edge
Of delirium
I want to jump flying
Spinning
Till my breath
Like sharp knives
Punctures me
And ecstasy seeps in
I want to leap
With perfect grace
Far beyond my abilities
And dance
To the music which lies hidden
Inside
I concentrate
And will myself to snap my head
Precisely
So spinning will not dizzy me
Or push my focus
From the task at hand
So it will look
Seamless
Effortless
Like so much fun
That those
Who do not understand
Will writhe
In jealousy.
As the edges of my mouth
Curl to a smile.
Let them believe it.

6-13-98

I want to write my life
On paper
To be read later
By children who have grown
As old as me
I want to let them know
The whys
What made it so
So when they’re old enough
They’ll understand
I want to leave a trail
Breadcrumbs
Pebbles in the woods
Aught for them to follow
Find me then
I want them to understand
How much
I tried for them
To make things right
Give them my love
I want for them to know
I had no blueprint
Didn’t know the way
Studied hard
Did my best
I want them to remember
Every good thing
They every felt
And hold it close
Never let it go
I want them to forget
What didn’t work
Or failed to reach
The mark
We aimed for
I want them to know
Without a doubt
They’re everything
And more
I ever wished for
I want them to be sure
They know to choose
The path
Happiness is all that matters
Its individual
I want them quite aware
I’m proud
And forgive their weakness
If they need
They’re perfect
In my eyes

6-13-98

Inability to Conform
She wrote
Right there, in Comments
Grade A-1, Miss Lamb
Knew the truth
When I asked to see
The records they had kept
I thought I could find
The awful truth
The key to my youth
I knew I put
The world askew
By my doing
By my strength
ruined so much
What a child I was
So capable
Destroyed the lives
Of elders
By my existence
And when the questions
Raised by others
Demanded confrontation
They wept and left me
Bags of guilt
Inability to conform
I wouldn’t cry
The only thing I could control
Were my tears
Show them what for
I wonder who I showed
Or what
I only know that I
Was left here holding
This enormous rock
Its grown so large
And hard to budge
That little girl is still
Pinned underneath
Like a fly
Specimen
For observation
Of what happens when
You can’t conform
Or won’t.

6-13-98

So far away
I can’t recall
If ever we loved
Or just existed
Side by side
Each in our box
Pounding nails in the crate next to us
Closing it in
You never understood
How it punctured me
Trivial, you said
True, perhaps
That’s me.
I thought you wise
Beyond your years
Trusted that you’d reach
To catch me
Should I falter
Silly thought.
I sought adventure
And safety in your net
If only I could fill your needs
But they’re immense
Bigger than I
You too, perhaps
Shoes too big
Make me stumble
Not your style.
I was never like them
Those girls you spoke of
Told you so, too
Remember when?
As you recalled their merits
With reverent tones and smiling eyes
The pretty ones
And gentle
Soft-spoken and well-dressed
Good at everything
And educated.
Good material
Do you recall I told you then
With teenage wisdom
I’m not your kind
Nothing I have or am
Will ever suit you?
How DID you ever make a blunder
So perfectly fatal.
I asked you why then.
why me? Why bother?
Couldn’t answer, didn’t know.
Never found a word to make me feel
Loved
Wanted
Desired
Choice one
I cried.
Over and over and over again
The questions
Never answered
Never enough
Always more
And more
And more
God knows I tried
Did my very best
I haven’t strength enough
To fill your needs
I’m empty.
Nothing left.
For me or you or anyone
Just a shell
I need to fill
Cannot fix those things
That I don’t own
You’ll have to work
By yourself from now on
And all the glories
Which you covet
Imagine their wonders
Go see
Go find out
If they hold your keys
I never did
I thank you for
The things I’ve learned
The ways you’ve tried
To better me
Its true.
I’ve come so far
But that girl
You broke her heart
Back in the woods, beneath the moon
Lost in the forest, she began to cry
The night was dark and she was lost
All alone
Not so very old
Not so very wise
She lost her way
And left you long ago.
I don’t think you ever saw
Or missed her much
Too much to do
No time to wait
Too bad
I turned the corner and there she was
Standing there, all alone
After such a long time
Funny thing,
She’s still the same
I know she’s really not
But you’d never know
From the way she laughs
Like a silly child
She needs me now
I must go to her
Hold her tight
Tend her wounds
Rock her gently
Heal her soul
You’ll have to manage
Yourself.

5-28-98

Never had much
Easy to lose focus
Fall inside myself
World outside dims
Better in here
Quieter, sweeter
Thoughts play on strings
Of my inner harp
I close my eyes and listen
Deep thoughts resonate
From head to toe
While silly ones pull
On smiling strings
Make me laugh
I love the music
It fills me to the brim
Dissipates the emptiness
Soothes the pain
Helps me hold on
The sad tones are strung
From throat to gut
Vibrate to water tones
As aches wash out
Spilling over cheeks
Wasted words and wasted days
Passed by
Too late to make
Repairs necessary
For survival